Choosing Myself This Monday

Today was a very tiring day. I don’t know why, but even though I felt exhausted and overwhelmed, I didn’t explode.

Usually when I reach that level of exhaustion, I react. I become irritable. I burst out. But today I noticed something different. I was handling myself much better.

In the evening, I realized how tired I actually was. I played a rain sound music playlist on Spotify and took my baby outside to the veranda. The gate was closed, the air was calm, and I just stood there feeling the breeze.

In that moment, I told myself quietly,
“Amritha, you are too tired.”

Every month, on the first and last Monday, there is a small online gathering called Enikai with Manjula. Manjula is my friend and my college mate. The idea of this meeting is simple — to spend a little time for yourself. Twenty minutes to cherish yourself and ten minutes for grounding practices.

“Enikai” in Malayalam means a moment for myself.

I had always wanted to attend these sessions, but somehow I never could. I kept telling myself that I was busy. There was always something to do.

Today, when I finished my dinner early at around 6:30, I saw the Zoom meeting reminder pop up on my phone. I thought, “Let me finish dinner by 6:45 and attend this. I need this Enikai moment.”

Usually during these sessions, women do different things — journaling, drawing, doodling, reading, or any small activity that helps release emotional tension.

But when the session began and I entered the Zoom meeting, I saw Manjula doodling and writing something. For a moment I wondered if I should also write something. After all, I love writing — journaling, poetry, reflections.

But then I felt something very clear inside me.

Today, I didn’t want to do anything.

I just wanted to sit.

Silently.

I have always wanted to practice mauna — intentional silence. But I never managed to do it for more than two or three minutes. Someone would call me, my mom would need something, the house help would ask something, or my baby would wake up. Even when the baby sleeps, I am usually too tired to practice silence with a fresh mind.

But today I simply sat.

With my spine erect, eyes closed, doing nothing.

For twenty minutes.

Of course, thoughts kept coming. After about ten minutes I suddenly thought, “Maybe I should record a podcast episode now. I haven’t recorded anything for weeks.”

Then I reminded myself:
“No. You came here to sit quietly.”

Then another thought came:
“What is my mom doing? What is my baby doing right now? What if someone calls me?”

At one point I even felt the urge to check my phone notifications.

But I gently stayed with the silence.

After the twenty minutes ended, we practiced Nadi Shuddhi Pranayama. And suddenly I realized how deeply nourishing those thirty minutes were.

It felt like something I hadn’t given myself in a very long time.

After the session, I went and told my mom,
“Mom, I sat simply for twenty to thirty minutes. I did nothing. But I had a peaceful moment with myself.”

And then a realization came to me.

I could have done this earlier.

But I kept postponing it.
I kept telling myself I was busy.

“Maybe next Monday.”
“Maybe next time.”

But today, this Monday, I chose myself.

Intentionally.
Unapologetically.

I shared this with my friend Manjula as well. When I told her about it, she was so happy. She said, “This is exactly why we started this — for women to choose themselves.”

And in that moment, all I could feel was:

Wow.

Just wow.