It is the first time in my life that I have looked at my own photo — my own selfie — and not recognized myself.

I keep zooming in and looking at it, asking,

Who am I?

What am I becoming?

Is this really me?

I have never, ever felt like this before.

Usually, I adore my photos. I look at them and feel connected. I know that woman. I understand her energy. I feel proud of her.

But right now, when I look at this picture, I don’t understand this woman.

I don’t feel connected to her.

I don’t feel like adoring her.

I feel like something is missing.

And I don’t have answers for that.

Maybe it is because there is a lot of turbulence going on within me. I don’t look in the mirror the way I used to. I am constantly busy, constantly managing everything.

But still… why don’t I recognize the person in the picture?

I keep zooming in, staring, wondering —

Am I really looking like this?

What do I feel about this person?

And strangely, I don’t know.

This is the first time I have felt disconnected from myself. I don’t know how long it will take to feel like myself again.

I am not grieving the old me.

I am just not able to understand this version of me.

I have always been someone who does what she feels. I don’t fake myself. I don’t overcalculate. I don’t overthink outcomes before speaking or acting.

But now I am asking myself:

Am I faking myself right now?

Am I holding back what my mind wants to do?

Am I controlling my words and behavior even though I know that’s not what I truly want?

Am I thinking too much?

Is that why I feel disconnected?

All I know is that I am holding myself very tightly.

And I have never done that to myself before.

I feel like I am scared of the outcomes. That is why I am pulling myself back from doing what I want. That is why I am not acting spontaneously. No spontaneous reactions. No spontaneous talks. No natural behaviors.

Maybe I was always a spontaneous woman.

But right now, I am restraining myself so much that it feels like I am faking who I am.

And maybe… that is why I got disconnected from myself.